New Motherhood


The day I gave birth to MJ was a wonderful day, but I didn’t feel like it. I remember seeing this tiny little person and wanting so badly to feel an overwhelming rush of joy and motherhood. I didn’t. I felt, well, nothing. I knew I loved her, but I didn’t feel that we immediately bonded. Instead I felt stressed out and overwhelmed that this little girl needed me. She needed me to feed her, change her, and hold her. I was no longer just myself, I was a mom. It overwhelmed me.

When we took her home, I didn’t have the first clue what to do. I had read numerous books on sleep and feeding schedules. I had hospital packets of information and a journal to chart her feedings, diaper changes, and sleep times. I had a lot of head knowledge. The problem was that when I was confronted with a baby who didn’t conform to the book schedules and who hardly ever slept, I didn’t know where to turn or what to do. Unfortunately, I had a lot of ideas swirling around in my head about how bad it was for a baby to nurse to sleep or to be nursed too frequently. I didn’t use the God-given natural soothing of breastfeeding to calm her down. I had it in my head that she should be able to go to sleep by herself. I was constantly comparing her to other babies or to what my books said. I forgot that she was a unique individual whom God made and gave to me. I forgot that God made me her mom and entrusted her to me because I would be able to figure out how to care for her better than anyone else. In the midst of my depression, lack of sleep, and stress, I forgot to just hold my baby and love her.

By the time she was 5 months I was over my postpartum and those beautiful rushes of joy and sweetness that motherhood promises filled my heart. I began to bond with her and to cherish my time with her. She is 3 ½ now and we are still working on her sleep. She has never been a good sleeper and I spent 3 years worrying about it, trying to break her bad habits, trying everything I could think and read to make her a better sleeper.

Finally I gave up and gave in. I accepted the fact that my beautiful, strong-willed, soft-hearted daughter will never sleep well. I stopped praying that she would just sleep and started praying that God would give me strength, patience, and endurance to still love her, cherish her, play with her, and be awake with her. I stopped focusing on what she wasn’t and started appreciating her for what she was.

I wish I could go back and do it over again. I wish that I would have held her more when she was that tiny baby. I wish I would have stopped comparing her to other babies and to what books told me. I wish I would have listened to sage mamas who promised me that it would get better and I should not worry about rocking or nursing my baby to sleep.

So today I want to encourage you to just love your baby. Don’t worry about finding a perfect schedule, creating a perfect sleeper, or following exactly what a book says. Instead focus on loving your baby, holding your baby, and enjoying those precious moments that will never come back. One day your child will grow up strong and confident, secure in his mother’s love. Enjoy the time when he is little. Focus on who your baby or child is instead of what he isn’t. Just love instead.

Comments

  1. BrookeMarch 20, 2014 at 3:53 PM

    I don't know if this post was meant for me, but it sure spoke to me. Thank you, sweet friend. <3

    ReplyDelete
  2. UnknownMarch 20, 2014 at 5:46 PM

    Hi Samantha, I saw this post on Trevor's facebook newsfeed - We just had our first baby (I say "just," but it was actually a year ago! phew!) and I really relate to your post. I had also read through a "baby training" book before having our daughter, and spent the first week of her life trying real hard to get her on some kind of eating/sleeping schedule. She has not been a terrible sleeper, but I found that the only way she would stay asleep in those early weeks was laying on my chest. Because of the doctor's warnings against co-sleeping, those first few weeks were very stressful and sleepless. I really relate to what you wrote here, because I found myself months later still really grieving the bonding time I felt like I lost with her because I tried so hard not to sleep with her. Similar to giving up expectations regarding scheduling, things got much better when I just decided to let her sleep with me (and invested in a great co-sleeper, so I felt like she was still safe). It is still hard to not be able to relive those first 6 weeks, but I am thankful to have run across literature that freed me to be as nurturing as I wanted to be, rocking and nursing to sleep, and letting her sleep with me. Anyway, I completely agree with your post - accepting your child where they are, and letting your baby's neediness become opportunities for bonding is definitely the way to go. I wonder, have you found your experience with you second baby to be any different? Do you feel like you really got to enjoy those precious moments early in her life the way you wanted with your first?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. SamanthaMarch 22, 2014 at 10:08 AM

      Thanks for your comments, Melissa! Yes, I found the experience with my second daughter to be very different. For one, I didn't have postpartum depression so we bonded immediately. For another, I was much more relaxed about when and where she slept. She is also much more on the average side in terms of sleep. She didn't have to be bounced for an hour or held forever, if we got her to sleep and put her down, she would stay asleep. So overall, everything was much easier... except that I also had a non-sleeping toddler in the house! Anyway, I'm glad you related to my experience. I feel like a lot of moms go through the same thing and there is so much information out there that we forget to just focus on who our child is and what works for them.

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