Carissima Deo

I thought when my babies were little and I was so tired that parenting was the hardest it could possibly ever be. I remember doing days of endless laundry, breastfeeding, nap times, and nighttime wakings. My mood was determined by whether or not both of my girls napped. And then the debate. Do we let the baby cry or go get her? She needs to learn to sleep, but I don't want to ruin her and give her trust issues if I don't go. I felt guilty about co-sleeping, felt lost at how to navigate my own depression.  But I also remember sweet times. We played make believe and tea parties and dolls. I read princess books and Fancy Nancy, Pinkalicious, and children's story bibles. The days were so long, trying to keep them entertained. I took lots of walks. Walks to feed the ducks, walks to look at early Christmas lights, Halloween decorations, flowers. Anything and everything was an adventure. I remember constant clinging and trying to calm a fussy toddler and a crying baby while making...

Tonight I watched six girls that used to be friends with my daughter walk right past her and ignore her. I saw her stand there, frozen and uncomfortable. I told her to go say hi and she, embarrassed, said "no, mom." "Aren't you friends with them?" " I don't know. They don't really talk to me anymore. They just talk to each other" These are girls who have not had a fight with my daughter. I know many of their moms and have heard them tell me in the past how kind my daughter was to theirs and how grateful they are for her. She has never said a bad word about them, as far as she can remember. She has never done anything to them. But for some reason they refuse to acknowledge her. They don't invite her to do anything with them. They don't say hi. She is invisible to them. I asked her later what happened. It is not a long story. They just started sitting together at lunch and slowly they started not talking to anyone who wasn't in their ...

It’s been a heavy while. There has been betrayal, unkindness, and hurt in our family in the last few months. We have also had some changes in our children’s schools and our network of families we spend time with has shifted. I imagine a lot of people feel the same this year with the isolation (still) of covid and the moves many families have made as a result. The combination of these things with the holiday season leaves an overwhelming emptiness. I’m lonely. It feels dark and hopeless. There is an expectation that every day we should be doing some fun holiday thing. Trolley rides to see the lights, Christmas parties,  meeting Santa, gathering with friends for an outdoor movie. When instead we have a normal evening of dinner and bed, it feels like the gap between what we should be doing and what we are doing is unbearable.  And the reality is that we have many families around us that we love. We have each other. A lot of people don’t get to enjoy the season this year the way t...

The day I gave birth to MJ was a wonderful day, but I didn’t feel like it. I remember seeing this tiny little person and wanting so badly to feel an overwhelming rush of joy and motherhood. I didn’t. I felt, well, nothing. I knew I loved her, but I didn’t feel that we immediately bonded. Instead I felt stressed out and overwhelmed that this little girl needed me. She needed me to feed her, change her, and hold her. I was no longer just myself, I was a mom. It overwhelmed me. When we took her home, I didn’t have the first clue what to do. I had read numerous books on sleep and feeding schedules. I had hospital packets of information and a journal to chart her feedings, diaper changes, and sleep times. I had a lot of head knowledge. The problem was that when I was confronted with a baby who didn’t conform to the book schedules and who hardly ever slept, I didn’t know where to turn or what to do. Unfortunately, I had a lot of ideas swirling around in my head about how bad it was for a...

Lately I have been repeatedly watching clips of  Disney's Frozen with my daughters. They love the music , the trolls, the princesses. I love the story. I love the character of Elsa. She really speaks to me and I suspect that many people identify with her tragic figure. I have read so many different theories about the themes this movie supports. I really think, like anything else, that the story interacts with its viewers to create different themes for different people. What do I see? I see it pointing us to the gospel. Elsa is the firstborn princess of the king and queen of Arendelle and she is a beloved big sister to the carefree, life loving Anna. But something is different about Elsa. She was born with magical powers, a curse that gives her the ability to create snow and ice. In her childhood she and Anna spend hours playing in the winter wonderland Elsa has created. Then something goes tragically wrong when Elsa accidently strikes Anna’s head with her icy blast. The k...

“Dispatches were sent by couriers to all the king’s provinces with the order to destroy, kill, and annihilate all the Jews-- young, old, women and little children -- on a single day” Esther 3:13 “In every province to which the edict and order of the king came, there was great mourning among the Jews, with fasting, weeping, and wailing. Many lay in sackcloth and ashes.” Esther 4:3 The day was coming. The fateful day on which all the Jews under King Xerxes’ rule would be murdered. It was genocide and it had behind it only the fury of a selfish madman. A man who was angry because one person out of thousands would not bow to him: Haman. He tricked the king into creating an edict that would allow him to murder every single person of Jewish heritage because Mordecai would not bow to him. The Jews went into deep mourning - fasting, weeping, and wailing. A great cry went out among the Jewish people at their impending doom. There was nothing they could do. There was no hope. The king h...